Oh I have always wanted to write! I mean, I do. I write all the time but I never share anything and I’ve always wanted to. I love reading blogs and seeing content creations. I love magazines. I lovveee fashion, food, fitness, lifestyle. I love reading people’s stories and hearing about their journey. Finding similarities with others and then feeling less alone on my own winding journey through life.
I started to write diaries as soon as I could hold a pencil. Those first entries are quite hilarious.
Bless my enthusiasm for going ice skating with my friends and then watching Free Willy in the cinema. I would always have my nose in a book so much so that my diary writing would reflect the main character of the book I was reading at the time. I would pretend to be them, and sign off my entries as ‘them’, I loved pretending to be someone else and adored the power of a book and a protagonist and am a sucker for a good old happy ending.
I knew I wanted to go to on to study journalism when the first season of Gilmore Girls lit up my television every Tuesday evening at 10pm. Again, morphing myself into Rory Gilmore and wanting to be her. I would have a glass of milk and a Cadbury’s Fruit and Nut and watch it with my Mum. I knew then that I just wanted to write.
I’ve kept all my diaries and I often read back through them, I laugh (and cry!) and relish in remembering the journeys of an imaginative 10 year old, to a misunderstood teenager, to a young adult trying to forge my path in life, to life as it is now.
Life as it is now is an odd one though. We are currently in the midst of a global pandemic and the world is either self-isolating or quarantined. We’re all going through the waves of finding peace and productivity to an anxiety ridden overwhelming sense of emptiness and doom. God, that’s dark.
Our 6-inch screens are filled with much of the following:
‘If you don’t come out of this quarantine with;
- A new skill
- Your side hustle started
- More knowledge
You never lacked time, you lacked discipline.’
Yes. That is a genuine quote that someone had posted on their Instagram stories. I read it and felt worthless, and I’m sure many others did too. Like I wasn’t doing a good job at just coping with what was going on and being grateful that I’m lucky enough to just be asked to #stayhome.
Some days I’ve been productive and gone for a run, then worked out then baked the infamous banana bread, organised my room, done 7 loads of laundry, read Shantaram for the fourth time, written my memoir. All in a day’s work! And some days I have stayed in my PJ’s, in front of the TV, completing Netflix.
We have to be able to allow ourselves to go through the waves of emotions that are sweeping the nation right now. And not berate ourselves if we don’t come out of this bilingual, with a 12 pack, ready to join the brigade of bakers applying for The Great British Bake Off (this however was genuinely a dream of mine…).
The past few days I have been in what feels like a bubble, I’ve had the constant tightness in my chest and gut feeling of self-disappointment that I’m not ‘starting my side hustle’ during this Global Pandemic.
And I don’t really know what this is. I don’t know what this essay is or what shape it’s taking or what purpose it is meant to serve. I guess it’s a form of my diary, a form of writing. I feel like I lost my path some time ago and I don’t ever feel like I’ve made it back on track. From that girl watching Gilmore Girls with her mum dreaming of becoming a writer in any way shape or form, I dreamt of having a blog in 2005 and would have these half-baked ideas which I would never follow through with.
I’m panicking with the classic ‘I’ve run out of time.’ I use the excuse that I don’t even have the time, that I’m soo busy and jam pack my diary full of things so I don’t have a spare moment to think about the reality of the situation or where I find myself. Sound familiar?
And as a person who suffers quite a lot with my mental health, there is a constant battle within myself. I have been struggling with this time ‘alone’ in my head, not having the buffer of the super busy life to distarct me. Realising that the girl watching Gilmore Girls never achieved what she wanted to, and I feel sad for her and angry at her.
I know life doesn’t follow the path that we typically set out for ourselves, but I constantly dream and think about writing, about creating content and taking photographs. Why am I not just doing it? Because of the reason many people don’t do many things. I’m afraid of failure and I worry far too much about what other people think.
And look where we are now. It’s 2020 and the world has changed drastically. I’m at ‘that age’ we all put so much pressure on to have achieved certain things. And I haven’t achieved them. In fact, a lot went (for want of a better phrase) tits up this past year for me personally and it sent me into a bit of a downward spiral of self pity and ‘why me’. And then Coronavirus happened and it put a lot of things into perspective.
So. Here I am. Honest in all my forms. Telling it how it is, because I know I am not the only one that feels like this. That goes to sleep at 2/3am and wakes up at noon and already feels like a failure and has wasted the day. I feel like I’m not able to write and create my blog until I am ‘the perfect person’ and can help and guide others because I have ‘been in your shoes before’. But in retrospect, I want to follow someone who is going through this at the same time as me. I am never going to be a perfect version of myself and if I’m continually aiming for that then no wonder I feel so lacking. It’s not about perfection. It’s all about progress.
And if you take anything from being here, please let it be this. If I can do this… If I can dig deep and find it within myself to have the courage to finally press publish.* If I can make that 10 year old girl proud even if this does seem like a messy jumble of my ramblings. Then you can do it too. You can do it all. Dig deep. Be strong. Take that leap.
2020 so far has certainly been something (!) It’s been hard. It’s been emotional. It’s been historical and monumental! Perhaps when we’re old and grey, we’ll be asked where we were and what we were doing when the Coronavirus global pandemic hit the world. When George Floyd was murdered and the biggest Black Lives Matter movement in history took place. When the world seemed to shut down and times felt incredibly dark, but we had never felt so much kindness and unity between our friends, families, neighbours, even strangers.
It’s made me realise that our time here on this planet is so precious. I’m practicing positivity from here on out and a lot of self-love and care. I do hope you stick around.
Next post is my fav banana bread recipe 😉
How have you been dealing with the lock down?
*Disclaimer… it took me 12 weeks. Progress. Not perfection.